Things are interesting as always.  On the children's ministry front, Sandy and I have been helping Eve and Joanne get things going.  Things look promising as others have stepped forward to help, and I believe we have a chance at something good after Pastor Wayne took all the kids in front of the church and basically told everyone they needed to sign up to help.  Sometimes you gotta be like that even if you don't want to.

Last night for youth, counting Sandy and myself, there were 5 of us there.  Lydia is sick and so is Tasha, but I dont' know where my other kids were.  It was disheartening.  I had prepared a message that I didn't even give, opting to save it for the entire group. I

t's tough too because in July we're going to Branded by Fire in Pensacola, FL. it will be an awesome conference week with speakers like Karen Wheaton and Chosen, Reggie Dabbs, and Richard Krisco.  I've heard phenomenal things about it and our pastor and his wife have already said they want to go and I'm glad to have them there. 

What is so tough about it is that I already know one of my kids can't go as he has a trip to New York planned for that same week and I talked to his mom about it Sunday.  I totally understand and it is fine.  Then I found out another of my regulars is having a family vacation around the same time and may or may not get to go.  One of my kids told me last night that he doubted many people would go (not sure if it's because it's a $400 trip or why exactly).  Another of my kids is having financial issues, so that one's an iffy. 

 To be honest, I can think of 3 kids I would call definites and then us 4 adults (with one or two kids a possibility).  I just thought about what the one person said about not many people going, swallowed what I wanted to respond with and kept going.  Man is that frustrating beyond words.  That was really hard since I didn't have the best of days yesterday.

It kinda started when I found an envelope that had Destiny's Christmas money in it.  I had forgotten about it, and everything was fine until I read who it was from "Nana and PawPaw"  (my mom and junior). I just broke down and cried for a while. 

 By now to anyone reading this, you are probably thinking that I sound like a broken record and that I should get over his death and move on. But I can't.  I think a part of me is afraid that if I try to do that I'll forget about him or something.  Then there's the part of me that feels guilty about not spending more time with him this last year.  I should have been there more but I wasn't and now I live with self condemnation.  There are even times now that I know I should call my mom or go see her, but I just can't.  It's really hard to explain.  I know sometimes she gets lonely, not because I imagine that's how she feels, but because she's flat out told me so before.  Which really makes me feel that much worse about it.  It's like I just can't really grieve and I need to so that I can heal.  I wish I could explain it better than that but I'm not sure how to.  

There was something great about yesterday though.  Sandy and I have been together for 11 years as of yesterday, and this May we will have been married 6 years. I still remember the night we started dating and some of the things we said to one another (even after all this time).  I remember what it was like to kiss after having wanted to for so long.  I remember how cold it was as we stood outside the church talking to each other and how since I was with her it really didn't matter.  That was a good night.

 I love her.  A lot more than she knows.  I just hope that I show her that enough so that one day I don't have to look back with regret like I do with Junior.

Things have been crazy since the day after Christmas.  I hope they slow down soon.  This past week was tough because Destiny and I both have been sick and then with the drama at church, I was about ready to give up.  At some point things have got to improve before I lose it.  Enough is enough and I'm tired.

Last night at church was pretty good.  I thought God took an interesting take on deciding whose will in life you'll follow (yours or God's).  It might have been unconventional how it came out but I liked it a lot and had a good feeling going into service.  I hope the message was received--and it was by some--but I think some people just blew it off.  I wish our group could all get on the same page about something besides having fun.  Something that really irritates me is how we have 13 people show up for something fun and half that show up for Sunday night discipleship and Wednesday night service.  And it always seems to go that way until last night. Last night's turnout was bigger than usual with 10 of us there, counting myself.  There's hope but sometimes I wonder if the kids really care. It's not always easy to tell.

There's so much more I'd like to say but I don't know how.  The words escape me.  I know what I'm feeling inside but don't know how to express it.  So instead I just sit on it and stuff it down inside and walk around like I'm okay when I'm really not.  Maybe it's childish but sometimes instead of me having to go to somebody else and tell them how I'm feeling or what's going on, I wish they could almost read my mind and would just check on me.  Not because they have to but because they care enough to make the effort.  Because that investment of time is worth it, is how I wish they would feel about it.  That isn't directed at any particular person or people, just a generalization. 

Maybe I think too much.  I've had way too much time to do that lately and it complicates things.  I feel very lonely and isolated right now.  I just wish Junior was here to talk to.  He'd know what to tell me to do.  But that's never going to happen.

I wish Sandy and I weren't so busy that we had to "schedule" time to be together.  That thought is almost ridiculous to even say out loud, but it's true and is the only way we really get to.  I wish a lot of things were different.  I wish I knew how to talk to her about myself, but I don't.  I'm not sure I know how to talk to anybody about myself.  I just feel so inadequate. 

This is kind of random but one of my fears in life is the same one that Robert Duvall's character "Hub" from the movie "Secondhand Lions" has.  That one day I'm going to have outlived my usefullness and just be a hinderance, to someone else, in life.  I want to "die with my boots on", doing everything I can to live life.  I just don't know how. 

I guess that's all for now.  Time to see if I can untangle the mess of ideas, thoughts, dead dreams, and frustration inside my brain. 

Tonight's episode of Smallville featured the death of Jonathan Kent, Superman's dad.  That was unexpected and disturbing.  I think it's kind of dumb, but on to my point.

Clark and his mom are having a heart to heart talk before the funeral about how proud Pa Kent would be of Clark and of the kind of man he'd grow up to be.  The kind that a lot of people would look up to and that his dad was proud of. 

All I could do was think of Junior and cry.  I'm not sure I'll ever come to grips with losing him.  He was my map for life in some sense.  He was the man I wanted to grow up to be.  He was strong, smart, and had willpower that exceeded anything i've ever seen in anyone else.  Right now I sure could use some advice and I wish he was here to tell me what to do.  I wish he was here to just tell me it'd be alright even if I didn't believe him. 

I just wish he was here. 

Today was the memorial service for my step sisters' mother.  That's the first time I've seen my nephew Keenan cry in a long time.  that tore me apart and I just hugged him and cried with him.  I feel so bad for my sisters, with losing both their parents about two weeks apart. 

I tried to use a link between Professor X from the Xmen and Jesus tonight.  Don't know if it worked as I felt like I ended up chasing a few rabbits. 

I can hardly sleep anymore.  I feel annoyed all the time.  I need a break before I lose my mind.  And worst of all I don't understand what I'm feeling.  I'm perplexing even to myself. 

Loss is never easy.  I think we know that.  The problem is the healing process.  I still can't look at a picture of Junior without crying.  Things are so confusing.

For the past several nights Destiny has ended up in the bed with us which would be fine except that while she sleeps we don't.  it's like trying being asleep during a boxing match.  You get your hiney kicked and your unconcious and don't realize it.  Except last night I did and finally went to sleep in the spare bed.  Too bad I hardly slept at all by that point as I was so mad.  Sandy basically didn't sleep either.

I've having trouble sleeping at all and I think it's catching up to me.  Oh joy.

Today is not one of my better days.  Neither was yesterday.

Right now i'm struggling with finding direction in life.  I dont' know if i'm being a good dad or son or husband.  I mean, so many people need me and want me to be in so many places but I can only do so much.  I'm trying to help my mom but I have to be a dad and I want to be there for my immediate family (sandy and Des), and I'm trying to work and youth pastor and ..........I feel like I'm drowning.  Like I don't know which way is up or down.  Man, i'm so confused!

I'm so annoyed.  I just want to be left alone for a little bit.  It's not realistic, but is that so much to ask? 

Maybe tomorrow will be better.  And in the immortal words of our rocket scientist president, "the future is tomorrow".  If wisdom came in nugget portions, that would be a ten piece meal right there.